I used to hear women talk about the pressures of being a mom, and I would think about how women are set up for the majority of the pressure from the start. First, the pressure is on them to carry the child, then the child has to actually get out of their body and then once the child comes out, someone has to be responsible for the child.  Most married couples would agree that moms carry the brunt of that responsibility.  Not always, of course, but a lot of moms are planning the lunches, getting the kids off to school, planning the parties, play dates, etc.  (Insert disclaimer right here and now: I have a husband who had the weight of this responsibility on his shoulders, so I know not all households work in this fashion; just stay with me!)

     It is universally stated that whoever gave birth to you is your mom.  Whether she stays or she leaves, she is your mother.  The dictionary defines a mom or mother as a female parent, but what is a parent?  By definition, a parent (as a noun) is one that brings forth offspring: “Just became parents of twins.” But then the other definition of parent is one who brings up and cares for another, and the example often used is “foster parents.”  When used as a verb, parenting is to be or act as the parent of.  Those are very different definitions altogether – to bring forth offspring is very different from caring for or bringing up another human being.  In general, no one ever gets to the second definition or reads deeper into the word and meaning of “parent,” but generally speaking, society is quick to push children to the parent who brought forth offspring rather than the parent who cared for or brought them up.

      The ability to carry something physically does not mean that you have the ability to do what is necessary or required once the object gets where it needs to be.  I can certainly carry a fish from the water to my father, but I don’t know how to scale it, cut it and cook it.  And even if I have the knowledge, sometimes I just don’t have the desire.  It works the same way for women who have the ability to carry a child but are not necessarily parenting said child.  To care for another, that is where the work comes in.  That is where the actual parenting comes in.

     Because it was not my lot in life to carry a child, I assumed it meant that I would not have made a good mother, and I figured we would never find out.  Even when I started a relationship with my now husband, I could never have predicted the level of responsibility that would come my way.  I quickly (like three weeks in) realized that my responsibilities would include more than just caring for our children. I would actually become the sole female in their everyday life (other than their grandmother, of course).  I would be the one sitting up with my husband worrying, rejoicing, crying, laughing, strategizing, and doing all the things that parents do when they are parenting and all the things that moms are supposed to do after the carrying is done.

     Carrying the weight of emotions and responsibility is not something that I took into account.  It turns out, you either have the maternal instinct or you do not.  I used to think it was something that came when the baby passed through the birth canal.  Turns out, it is something that you are born with.  Carrying that human being does not always make you feel bonded with them, and it does not automatically give you the mama bear instincts that we are taught/ told it does.  

     The stereotype of stepmom, foster mom or adoptive mom is certainly underrated in any case, but honestly, sometimes it’s just plain irrelevant.  For me, being a stepmom is how the relationship started, by marrying the biological father of my children.  But just like I started as a girlfriend and became a wife, I started as a stepmom and became a mom, and it has nothing to do with signing a piece of paper. (Although I did!)  I don't really need people to call me the adoptive mom, or really even the stepmom.  I know both apply, but do we always need the qualifier (especially at this point)?  And asking me about their biological mom is an article for another day altogether. 

     I have said this a million times, but when a man steps up, even as a biological parent, society tells us how lucky we are to have him and how perfect he is.  We are supposed to give a man a cookie just for “babysitting” their own children (a severe pet-peeve of mine).  But when a female does her part, it is just expected or, in my case, sometimes even villainized.  At 33 years old, I went from living in a cute little house of my own with my little female pup to taking on a preteen and teenage boy, not to mention the large 40-something-year-old that I also had to raise!  Without really thinking through the reality, I jumped in.  It was my choice, for sure, but to be honest, I never felt like I had any other option.  It was almost an autopilot reaction, and all I wanted was for them to feel safe and loved and to be happy.  And I have never looked back. 

     Since then, my husband has relied on me for every financial, emotional, and physical decision regarding the boys and I am so grateful that he trusted me unquestionably.  It turns out that I do have maternal instincts, and it turns out, I can handle a hell of a lot more than I ever knew I could.  It also turns out that when you have children depending on you, you do not really have a choice.  You do what you need to do, and you handle the emotions later. 

     In private conversations with my husband, I often discuss my insecurities in my parenting and my questioning whether the boys value me, want me around, or will stay with me forever because I am not their biological mom.  I have learned through the years that those thoughts and feelings are not because I did not give birth to them.  Those thoughts and feelings are that of moms all over the world, no matter how they got into their role as mother.  And none of us knows what we are doing!  So, I am a mom and now I get it. I am exhausted, and I have one of the good dads partnering with me.  I cannot imagine those moms doing this on their own or doing this with a “babysitter” dad.  

     Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and sometimes we learn later in life what our purpose is.  I thought I was meant to be famous, but it turns out, I was meant to be a mom.  It’s definitely not as glamorous, but on the days when we are all together and everyone is happy and healthy, it’s the most rewarding feeling.  And on the days when it’s not, I put on my mama pants and do my best to figure out how to make everyone happy and healthy.  If you are a biological parent caring for another, a stepparent, caring for another, a foster parent, relative or adoptive parent, caring for another, congratulations.  You are parenting!  And for the women who didn’t carry their children physically, but are carrying them now, welcome to motherhood. No matter how you became a mom, you were born to be where you are right now, and do not let anyone take that away from you.  It’s a rough role, but it’s worth it!